The Perennial Sam

When you find a place where you’re comfortable, it’s hard to force yourself to move on.  Even when it becomes apparent that what you’re doing just isn’t right for you anymore.  

I realized after pursuing my degree part-time for over four years that it was still going to be some time before I would graduate, and no longer had the desire to live an hour’s car ride away from my family.  Especially since I don’t have a vehicle.  The bus was too expensive and was a 3.5hr ride with two transfers involved.  My health was negligible day to day and I wanted the stability of living with my family rather than with randomly assigned strangers.  But I persisted to stay at my job down the street from the university for another two years, even after making my permanent residence a place that was 90km away. 

I made more money working a few days a week at this place than I would have working full-time for minimum wage somewhere else, which is the reason I gave most people for my keeping the job.  If they pushed further, I told them that it was worth it to go out of my way because the working environment was superior to anywhere else I’d been employed.  But I also knew that I was keeping the job because I was afraid to move on for a number of reasons.

I  had my mood disorder relatively under control and didn’t want to upset my balance by leaving something that was a positive part of my life.  I was also worried about losing contact with the people I had spent so much of my time with during the last few years.  And there was a nagging suspicion that if I went somewhere else I’d get canned for any number of reasons (I still need to work on being optimistic). 

On the other hand, leaving the job behind would mean I’d have more time to focus on school, which can be considerably more difficult for me if my depression starts acting up - due to loss of concentration, memory loss, etc.  The job was also particularly demanding at times - we were always short on night staff, so those of us who worked nights often put in extra hours.  Although I didn’t work all the time, sometimes when I was in town I was working anywhere from 55-65hrs/wk. 

Ultimately I decided that spending so much time away from home after having moved my things here didn’t make a lot of sense - I wasn’t really living at home.  After giving up the position, the people I worked with who were truly my friends would stay in touch.  I would have more energy for school work.  And I could find another job - possibly even something I was interested in. 

Leaving my comfort zone was a necessity in order to move on.

I left the job around Christmas time and have had a few part-time jobs with flexible hours since then.  Until I began freelance writing, none of these were engaging, but they helped keep me afloat financially.  I am making progress with school and managed to complete a course last month, something I hadn’t managed to do in two years.  My health is still up and down but no more so than at other times.  All things considered, I am moving ahead, although it may be taking some time. 

It takes a lot of effort to work up the cajones, or however you’d like to put it, to make a big change.  Don’t set yourself up for failure by trying to make a split-second change once you finally get the gumption to do something.  If something is serious enough for you to have put off taking action for so long, it’s not something that can be fixed overnight.  And if you encounter some setbacks at first, that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it to keep pushing on.  I still wasn’t sure I had made the right decision two months after leaving my job.  It took some time to adjust.  In fact, I still feel somewhat out of sorts, but I become more confident every day that I made the right choice.  If you have been putting off a decision for some time, you will eventually encounter a breaking point - take an honest look at yourself and use your best judgement, you will know when it’s time to make a change.