The Perennial Sam

After some reflection today I have felt it necessary to remind myself that sometimes a problem is just a problem, and not due to being a person with a mental health issue. 

At times it feels like my mood disorder is the cause of all my problems.  But I know that even if my health issues were to evaporate one day, I would still have the difficulties that other people encounter.  I have always had a particularly hard time with regard to choosing a life path.  Although my circumstances may vary from other people, I have to remember that everyone else has what they feel are disadvantages of their own.  I know several people who have begun and left multiple college/university programs.  These people do not all have mental health related issues.  Sometimes it’s hard to remember that even if I did not have major depressive disorder, my life would not be perfect. 

I don’t know that it’s really worth it to post about this, just something I was thinking about today.

This week I went to see my psychologist at school.  He had prepared a letter of support for a petition I began some time ago, with regard to having two courses removed from my transcript.  My psychologist seems to be very much like me, which probably has a great deal to do with why I feel comfortable talking to him, but I think we possess some of the same weaknesses as well.  He is a very forgetful and absent-minded person.  This was my second or third visit meant partly to pick-up the letter and he did not have it at hand.  However, he said he would send it directly to the Undergraduate Advisor; she needs to sign the petition before I can submit it to the Committee That Decides Your Academic Future.  I can’t remember exactly what their name is…

 There are a couple of my incomplete courses that I am not able to finish, and that is what this petition is about.  One course was taught by a visiting professor, who has since returned to her own university.  It was a Middle English Literature course, considered to be somewhat of a language course as a great deal of it involved translation.  A large portion of your mark was derived from class participation and a presentation at the end of the term.  Since I barely went to class and completed very little of the work, I don’t think it would be worth it to seek out this professor in an attempt to somehow finish the course.  Nor would I relish such a task.  The other class I am hoping to have removed from my transcript is an English Grammar course that was also meant to entail a great deal of class participation.  Continue Reading »

I came back to the apartment today.  Tomorrow I’ll be catching up on everyone else’s blogs.  It’s difficult to keep up with some online stuff at home because the computer my parents have is spyware riddled; pair that with intermittent internet connectivity and just checking your email can be frustrating at times.  One good thing about this is that it leads me to spend more time away from the computer.  I spend too much time on here some days.

My fiance has begun packing for when he moves at the end of the month.  We are going to rent a storage space to put his stuff in for a while, until we find a house.  I will probably bring some stuff up occassionally to clear up some space at my parents’. 

Today I did not get outside to do anything.  Just to board the train.  Taking the train is pretty relaxing and makes me feel kind of nostalgic.  Most of the time I read now when I’m onboard.  It isn’t a bad way to travel.  I’m not sure what I’ll do tomorrow.  It’s becoming hard to remember what day of the week it is, not having worked at a “real job” since Christmas.  Anyhow, sort of looking forward to a new day. 

The last couple of days have gone pretty well as far as getting outside and being more active.  Both days I have gotten some natural light, being out in the sun to Read and Weed. 

There are three garden plots in front of my parents’ house and they hadn’t been weeded yet this year, so I set out to do that this week.  Last night after supper I went out and got the new rock situated (to mark our cat’s grave), then weeded around it.  I figured there was no need to kill myself doing all three gardens at once, so I left the other two for today.  We tend to get sun until around 9pm now, so there’s lots of time after dinner to go out and putt around.  This also keeps my parents and I from irritating each other.  Meanwhile, I get my light, as suggested by the Therapeutic Lifestyle Change.  I have never felt that my depression has been seasonal but I do spend too much time indoors.  This is why I’ve chosen to focus on getting some light as one of my first TLC changes, along with getting regular exercise.  Continue Reading »

This week I am staying at my parents’ house.  Things have settled down here somewhat since their last blowout.  It’s not altogether unpleasant here when no one is arguing.  Still somewhat tense I suppose, but no more so than what I was used to growing up.

Actually, I am enjoying being here rather than in my fiance’s apartment all day.  I do miss the bunny babies quite a bit.  On the whole it is a lot nicer to spend the day in a house where the sun comes in, where I can’t smell a roommate’s garbage, etc.  When I’m at the apartment I pretty much stick to the bedroom - everywhere else is too cluttered and dirty.  At the end of this month my fiance will be moving home to stay with his parents until we find a house…he had hoped that I would go along with him and his parents said I am welcome there, but I think I would rather stay with my own family.  I’ve had a pretty nomadic lifestyle these last two years and not being settled is unsettling.   I am tired of living out of my backpack.

Yesterday I went with my aunt to a stone place and got a little boulder to stick in the garden here, over the spot where our cat is buried.  Her name was Blossom and she was just shy of 18 years old when she passed away last year.  I am going to make an effort to get outside and do something this evening.  The garden is full of weeds and the perennials that are there will do a lot better without them.  I usually feel better when I’m outside, it’s just a matter of getting out there.  

I really don’t get that half hour of sunshine the Therapeutic LIfestyle Change recommends and I think that is going to be my goal for the next little while, just getting outside.  I am a nester and have a strong sense of “going to ground”/hibernation when I don’t feel good. 

We’ll see how I do over the next day or so.  

Some people have the ability to pursue a career with little to no personal relevance to them.  Maybe they find enough fulfillment in the rest of their life that this is not a critical issue.  Or maybe they’re just very easy-going.  At any rate I am not one of these people.  My last job wasn’t exactly challenging or meaningful, but I cared about the people I worked with and this made going to work something I looked forward to.

 One thing I have discussed with my psychologist is finding a career that not only feels important and meaningful to me, but will be something that I can keep up with when I normally wouldn’t go out.  Eventually I’m hoping to have a space where I can do artwork and set up my art supplies where I don’t need to put them away every night.  Or move a painting that’s half dry because someone else needs the space.  I’d like to write and illustrate my own books - children’s books and [maybe] fantasy novels for young adults/grownups. Continue Reading »

So far I have not had a positive relationship with any of the meds I’ve been prescribed for depression.  I realize they are of help to some people, I just haven’t experienced much success so far.  Recently I began searching for alternative forms of treatment…something more natural, less invasive and hopefully more helpful.

Last week someone recommended that I check out a site regarding Therapeutic Lifestyle Change, run by several professors at the University of Kansas.  This person would like to remain nameless but I have a great deal of respect for them and when they told me that this was something they would try if they were my age (mid-twenties), I thought I had better check this out. 

The Therapeutic Lifestyle Change is designed to integrate more healthy day-to-day practices into your life.  Even if you do not suffer from mental health issues, I can imagine doing any or all of the things it suggests would benefit a person.  Conveniently the acronym TLC is appropriate to the nature of the program - it guides you to take better care of yourself.  Comprised of six major components - regular exercise, light exposure, Omega 3 supplements, sleep mindfulness, social supports and anti-rumination strategies - following the tenets set out by TLC are sure to create positive change in your life even if it’s not a cure-all for mental health issues.  Continue Reading »

It’s Hungry Hungry Hippos Sammo!

I’m waiting for my fiance to get home so we can go get something to eat.  We have a hard time keeping groceries in the apartment with his roommate around.  One thing I am looking forward to when we move is having more food around and being able to eat regular (and healthier) meals. 

I haven’t posted in a few days - this past weekend was a long one in Canada.  In Britain too I suppose.  Queen Victoria’s birthday was the 24th of May and Victoria Day weekend is a benchmark for many people - time to open the cottage, plant your garden, or party, depending on who you are.  We didn’t do anything in particular this weekend.  He was glad to have an entire weekend off without being on-call or backup to the on-call person; he fixes elevators.  Saturday we went to visit his parents, who were painting a few rooms in their house.  The rabbits came with us and had a good time playing with their cat, who is full grown but almost as small as the larger rabbit (about 4 lbs).  We had a pretty good visit with them.  It is surprising to me how relaxed some families are when they spend time together.  Our house growing up was always filled with tension and silence…it still is much of the time.  Continue Reading »

For Better or For Worse is my favourite comic strip and I have read it every day since about grade 6.  I used to read it in the paper and now I read it online.  It is one of those things that is so ingrained in my behaviour that I manage to do it even when I feel down in the dumps.

For Better or For Worse follows the activities of the Patterson family - parents John and Elly and their three children.  One of their kids, Elizabeth, happens to be a year older than me and I have followed her closely throughout the last few years.  Lynn Johnston, the author and illustrator of the comic, does a good job of maintaining a sense of “real time” in her work.  Elizabeth went through things in highschool and university that I experienced, or knew someone who was experiencing, at roughly the same time.  

 In recent years I have found another reason to visit the FBorFW website - Lynn Johnston and her staff run a studio that remains fun while being productive.  She and her associates share information on the processes that are undergone in developing the comic and getting it to publication.  There are features on how to become a comic strip writer and illustrator.  What sort of research does Lynn do before starting a new storyline?  She even discusses some of her first jobs and displays some of her early drawings.  It is great to see someone who has been successful and wants to share that success with others. 

Ms. Johnston has experienced health problems in the last several years but has not let that stop her from continuing her work.  Here you can read how she has chosen to continue writing while making more time to care for herself.  Someday I hope to be as prolific a writer as she. 

Memory loss…a common side effect of both depression and the drugs that treat it.  I have documentation somewhere that states I have significant memory loss and lack of concentration, but unlike so many other things, I don’t need to write these facts down in order to remember them.

Tonight I was supposed to submit an online Avon order by 11pm.  I’ve only been selling Avon for a few months and have been contemplating giving it up for reasons similar to what I am about to describe. 

I keep notes - notes that remind me to do things.  Sometimes I lose them, so I write new ones.  At one time I was given a Pocket PC to help me schedule my time and keep track of things I shouldn’t forget.  It was a waste of money - 90% of the time I forgot it at home, and if I remembered to take it with me, I forgot to use it.  I began to loathe the thing.  Whenever I’d happen to come across it, it would just remind me of how terrible I had become at remembering things.  As well as a personality change, I have gone through [what feels to me like] a major shift in my cognitive ability in the last eight years.  I’ve gone from being a “gifted student” to someone who struggles to read for more than a few minutes at a time some days.  Some days are better than others, but overall, I am just not the same.

Avon was something that I thought would work for me - I could work from home and set my own schedule.  There isn’t a whole lot to remember really - Continue Reading »