The Perennial Sam

My sister asked me the other day where I was at with school.  I have a number of incomplete courses that I need to finish and she was wondering how many were left.  Presently I have 6 left to complete.  One is in the process of being finished, so it will soon be 5.  After this, I will need another 1-3 classes to graduate with a three year degree in English Language and Literature.

Several things have factored into the development of where I am at present: uncertainty as to whether I even wanted to be in university, a lack of enthusiasm for my work, anxiety(!), and side effects of the depression (and medication).  Of course, each of one of these plays off the others.  I know a few people who despise their education or work and yet continue to carry out the tasks expected of them in an efficient and professional manner.  Unfortunately, I am not one of these people who can “force” themselves to complete something if they are miserable.  Sometimes I have wished I possessed this quality - I’d be finished school by now, at any rate.   

Generally my depression hits me as a “bad feeling” - hard to describe, but it makes me uncomfortable, so I tend to withdraw and stay at home.  A few times I’ve gotten myself to school anyhow on really bad days and have had weird experiences.  For example, once I remember sitting in class and feeling as if I were listening to everything through earplugs.  It was almost like being part of a tv studio audience - I wasn’t really a part of what was going on.  Another time when I was commuting to school from my parents’, I made it all the way to campus and then had to turn around and leave because I was too overwhelmed to go to class.  So I don’t know that “facing my fears” so to speak is really a benefit sometimes.  During times when I am not affected by my depression/anxiety, I don’t have a problem with making it to class.  However, there have been a few terms that were worse than others and this is when I didn’t finish my courses. 

So now I am working on finishing up these classes.  I can not take all the credit for pushing onward with this.  I am registered as a disabled student at my university due to my health issues (I didn’t realize this was an option for me at first, something I’ll write about later).  There is an Office for Persons with Disabilities at my school where students with a diagnosed health problem or disability can access many resources to assist them in pursuing their degree - a lot of people might not graduate without the OPD’s services.  I am not only able to visit my psychologist through this office, but have also had the pleasure of working with the university’s Learning Strategist over the last few years. 

When I visit the learning strategist we work on realistic goal-setting, as well as the development of skills to help me stay on track with school.  I don’t do particularly well with a stringent schedule, so one of the first things we worked on was finding a way for me to organize my time without feeling trapped by a day planner.  Having someone to check-in with has helped me to be more accountable; I am responsible for setting and meeting my own goals, but knowing that I will be talking to someone about my progress helps me to stay focused between visits.  On days when I don’t feel up to coming to school we are able to meet by phone which has also provided a great support for me.  Being able to touch-base even when I’m not accomplishing much keeps me from totally “falling off the wagon,” so to speak.  We are also good friends and I enjoy going to the office as it has a sense of community about it.

My progress with school is slow and steady, which I am happy with because this is great progress from having been at a standstill in the past. 

Keep moving forward…thanks for reading.           

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