The Perennial Sam

Memory loss…a common side effect of both depression and the drugs that treat it.  I have documentation somewhere that states I have significant memory loss and lack of concentration, but unlike so many other things, I don’t need to write these facts down in order to remember them.

Tonight I was supposed to submit an online Avon order by 11pm.  I’ve only been selling Avon for a few months and have been contemplating giving it up for reasons similar to what I am about to describe. 

I keep notes - notes that remind me to do things.  Sometimes I lose them, so I write new ones.  At one time I was given a Pocket PC to help me schedule my time and keep track of things I shouldn’t forget.  It was a waste of money - 90% of the time I forgot it at home, and if I remembered to take it with me, I forgot to use it.  I began to loathe the thing.  Whenever I’d happen to come across it, it would just remind me of how terrible I had become at remembering things.  As well as a personality change, I have gone through [what feels to me like] a major shift in my cognitive ability in the last eight years.  I’ve gone from being a “gifted student” to someone who struggles to read for more than a few minutes at a time some days.  Some days are better than others, but overall, I am just not the same.

Avon was something that I thought would work for me - I could work from home and set my own schedule.  There isn’t a whole lot to remember really - place your order on time, distribute catalogues to new and old customers, and remember to pay your account balance on time.  Then deliver the products and collect payment.  Five things that I have yet to be able to do satisfactorily.  I prepare my order ahead of time, so that I don’t have to scramble at the last minute to fill out the order form online.  I realize there’s a good chance I might be rushing things later, so I fill in all the product numbers and save my order earlier in the day; this way when it gets closer to 11pm I can check my email for stray orders one last time and hit “Submit Order” in just a few minutes.  Well, today I was successful in compiling my order, but not in remembering to submit it by the cutoff time.  I was even prepared:  I left myself a note in a prominent place, mentioned that I would need to keep an eye on the time to my fiance - even told him we couldn’t go out tonight because I had to submit my order, checked the clock several times…and then forgot to do it.  There is a $15 charge for submitting your order late.

The late charge is another reason I tried to stay on top of sending the order in.  My last order was my 3rd campaign, and the first for me to break even.  This was great, because I am broke at the moment.  Then for some reason I didn’t purchase some products for one of my customers during the last campaign, while they were being offerred at a greatly reduced price.  I only have 1 or 2 customers each campaign, so it’s not like these things should be difficult.  For some reason I got the catalogues mixed up and thought the products were on sale this campaign.  I don’t know how I mixed this up.  I was so certain at the time that I even reassured the customer that it was the next campaign and not the one running at the time.  What the…?  Was I on crack…..?  This is the type of mistake I have only begun making in the last few years.  And I do it regularly.  I feel like I shouldn’t be trusted to carry out any tasks of a somewhat critical nature.  Anyhow, this particular customer has been critical of me in the past, and buys a fair amount each time, so I don’t want to tell her that the cost of her order is actually close to $30 more.  I’ll absorb most of it through the money I make from other products on the order.  Or that’s what I had planned to do.  I am now close to $65 in the hole between this, the late order fee and a few other problems. 

Other costs have added up because Avon shipped me the wrong catalogues last order.  So instead of buying books for one campaign, I’m buying for two this time.  Being avoidant, I decided not to return the books they sent me, which were for my current campaign - I would put them in mailboxes and maybe find a few new customers.  This approach didn’t work before, but that way I didn’t have to go through the process of a refund/whatever and I wouldn’t be wasting the books.  Well, I know myself better than this and should have been more honest with myself - I hate going door-to-door, even if I don’t talk to the people.  So the avoidant Sam kept the books, which are now waiting to be recycled.  This has been my problem with finding new customers, and keeping on top of catalogue delivery to prospective customers who haven’t bought yet, but are interested in getting the books, thinking they may want to buy.

I also forgot to pay my account balance on time - twice in a row.  And this was after first registering the bill wrong for online payment.  I forgot to get that corrected for far longer than it should have been let go.  Overall, between my avoidant nature and my lack of memory, Avon just hasn’t been working out for me.  Someone told me to give it a shot for a few more months, but I don’t know how wise that really is, considering what I’ve just described.  More important than persevering, I really can’t afford the losses. 

I don’t know anyone who has taken quite as large a variety of psychotropic medications as I have.  Although I know many people do, I just haven’t encountered them.  I am wondering if such prevalent memory loss and difficulty in carrying out tasks is common to people who have experienced similar things, or if I have just had a more acute reaction with respect to memory.  Any thoughts?   

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