The Perennial Sam

I’m back from my parents’/grandma’s house and my grandmother is home for now.

I was actually back Friday night but felt useless all weekend and not up to making a post.  Seeing as how I’ve dubbed my blog, “a resource for perseverance,” I feel a certain obligation to write posts that are more meaningful than just a rehashing of my day-to-day life, so I try not to do that too much.  At the moment I’m preoccupied with a few things virtually all the time though, so it’s difficult to focus on something else.

Have you ever read the “in the courts” section of your local newspaper and seen someone described as “So-in-so of no fixed address”?  I have been this person for a while, but have only really had issues with this in the last six months or so (ie. during my last/current depressive episode).  At the end of August in 2006 I gave up my apartment after having lived independently for several years.  This wasn’t an easy decision for me to make - at one time it had looked like I might never live by myself or of my own accord, so I was reluctant to give up what I had worked for.  However, I had felt like I was living on the edge of sanity for a while and didn’t feel safe or comfortable being there [alone] anymore.  So I went back to my hometown and my parents’ house.

In retrospect, moving home was probably a mistake, although I really don’t know what other option was available to me.  I don’t know the first thing about getting into a group home, haven’t heard good things about living in one and don’t know that they would have considered me eligible anyhow.  There were no other family or friends I could have stayed with.  With four adults living in a two bedroom house, the place was crowded, adding to the growing frustration and strain on relationships my family was already experiencing.  I won’t go in to detail about this, but these circumstances are what led me to bouncing around between living places, never being “homeless” in the sense we are familiar with, but not having a home either.  Until my meds “pooped out” this past winter I wasn’t really okay with this arrangement but was able to deal with it. 

Now I have been living out of my backpack for almost two years.  I am not a person who likes to be on the go all the time and I have a feeling that even if I was, I’d still have a hard time dealing with being so unsettled at this point.  If I had been able to keep my job into the new year, I would have been able to afford first and last’s month rent somewhere and gotten my own place if need be.  I also wouldn’t have gone broke trying to pay for expensive medication.  I saw a truly homeless person this weekend and realized that I wasn’t so different from him, I just had people who were willing to put me up for the time being. 

In two weeks my fiance’s lease will be over at this apartment and he will be returning to live at his parents’ until we/he find(s) a house.  I am not sure what I will be doing/where I’ll be going yet.  His parents would like me to stay at their place and they are very nice people, but live in the middle of nowhere.  I am ready to find a job - I have to - and am not sure how well getting to work would be from there.  I could also return to my parents’ house, but it’s not a good place right now and I would have a hard time helping my fiance find a house.  It feels like a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation.  I have options but I don’t like any of them. 

I’m going to try to just not care.  Not in a bad sense.  But if I keep dwelling on this I will be a wreck.  Ruminating = bad. 

Edit:  I realize that once we have a house my situation will change drastically.