The Perennial Sam

The last couple of days have gone pretty well as far as getting outside and being more active.  Both days I have gotten some natural light, being out in the sun to Read and Weed. 

There are three garden plots in front of my parents’ house and they hadn’t been weeded yet this year, so I set out to do that this week.  Last night after supper I went out and got the new rock situated (to mark our cat’s grave), then weeded around it.  I figured there was no need to kill myself doing all three gardens at once, so I left the other two for today.  We tend to get sun until around 9pm now, so there’s lots of time after dinner to go out and putt around.  This also keeps my parents and I from irritating each other.  Meanwhile, I get my light, as suggested by the Therapeutic Lifestyle Change.  I have never felt that my depression has been seasonal but I do spend too much time indoors.  This is why I’ve chosen to focus on getting some light as one of my first TLC changes, along with getting regular exercise.  (more…)

This week I am staying at my parents’ house.  Things have settled down here somewhat since their last blowout.  It’s not altogether unpleasant here when no one is arguing.  Still somewhat tense I suppose, but no more so than what I was used to growing up.

Actually, I am enjoying being here rather than in my fiance’s apartment all day.  I do miss the bunny babies quite a bit.  On the whole it is a lot nicer to spend the day in a house where the sun comes in, where I can’t smell a roommate’s garbage, etc.  When I’m at the apartment I pretty much stick to the bedroom - everywhere else is too cluttered and dirty.  At the end of this month my fiance will be moving home to stay with his parents until we find a house…he had hoped that I would go along with him and his parents said I am welcome there, but I think I would rather stay with my own family.  I’ve had a pretty nomadic lifestyle these last two years and not being settled is unsettling.   I am tired of living out of my backpack.

Yesterday I went with my aunt to a stone place and got a little boulder to stick in the garden here, over the spot where our cat is buried.  Her name was Blossom and she was just shy of 18 years old when she passed away last year.  I am going to make an effort to get outside and do something this evening.  The garden is full of weeds and the perennials that are there will do a lot better without them.  I usually feel better when I’m outside, it’s just a matter of getting out there.  

I really don’t get that half hour of sunshine the Therapeutic LIfestyle Change recommends and I think that is going to be my goal for the next little while, just getting outside.  I am a nester and have a strong sense of “going to ground”/hibernation when I don’t feel good. 

We’ll see how I do over the next day or so.  

Some people have the ability to pursue a career with little to no personal relevance to them.  Maybe they find enough fulfillment in the rest of their life that this is not a critical issue.  Or maybe they’re just very easy-going.  At any rate I am not one of these people.  My last job wasn’t exactly challenging or meaningful, but I cared about the people I worked with and this made going to work something I looked forward to.

 One thing I have discussed with my psychologist is finding a career that not only feels important and meaningful to me, but will be something that I can keep up with when I normally wouldn’t go out.  Eventually I’m hoping to have a space where I can do artwork and set up my art supplies where I don’t need to put them away every night.  Or move a painting that’s half dry because someone else needs the space.  I’d like to write and illustrate my own books - children’s books and [maybe] fantasy novels for young adults/grownups. (more…)

So far I have not had a positive relationship with any of the meds I’ve been prescribed for depression.  I realize they are of help to some people, I just haven’t experienced much success so far.  Recently I began searching for alternative forms of treatment…something more natural, less invasive and hopefully more helpful.

Last week someone recommended that I check out a site regarding Therapeutic Lifestyle Change, run by several professors at the University of Kansas.  This person would like to remain nameless but I have a great deal of respect for them and when they told me that this was something they would try if they were my age (mid-twenties), I thought I had better check this out. 

The Therapeutic Lifestyle Change is designed to integrate more healthy day-to-day practices into your life.  Even if you do not suffer from mental health issues, I can imagine doing any or all of the things it suggests would benefit a person.  Conveniently the acronym TLC is appropriate to the nature of the program - it guides you to take better care of yourself.  Comprised of six major components - regular exercise, light exposure, Omega 3 supplements, sleep mindfulness, social supports and anti-rumination strategies - following the tenets set out by TLC are sure to create positive change in your life even if it’s not a cure-all for mental health issues.  (more…)

It’s Hungry Hungry Hippos Sammo!

I’m waiting for my fiance to get home so we can go get something to eat.  We have a hard time keeping groceries in the apartment with his roommate around.  One thing I am looking forward to when we move is having more food around and being able to eat regular (and healthier) meals. 

I haven’t posted in a few days - this past weekend was a long one in Canada.  In Britain too I suppose.  Queen Victoria’s birthday was the 24th of May and Victoria Day weekend is a benchmark for many people - time to open the cottage, plant your garden, or party, depending on who you are.  We didn’t do anything in particular this weekend.  He was glad to have an entire weekend off without being on-call or backup to the on-call person; he fixes elevators.  Saturday we went to visit his parents, who were painting a few rooms in their house.  The rabbits came with us and had a good time playing with their cat, who is full grown but almost as small as the larger rabbit (about 4 lbs).  We had a pretty good visit with them.  It is surprising to me how relaxed some families are when they spend time together.  Our house growing up was always filled with tension and silence…it still is much of the time.  (more…)

For Better or For Worse is my favourite comic strip and I have read it every day since about grade 6.  I used to read it in the paper and now I read it online.  It is one of those things that is so ingrained in my behaviour that I manage to do it even when I feel down in the dumps.

For Better or For Worse follows the activities of the Patterson family - parents John and Elly and their three children.  One of their kids, Elizabeth, happens to be a year older than me and I have followed her closely throughout the last few years.  Lynn Johnston, the author and illustrator of the comic, does a good job of maintaining a sense of “real time” in her work.  Elizabeth went through things in highschool and university that I experienced, or knew someone who was experiencing, at roughly the same time.  

 In recent years I have found another reason to visit the FBorFW website - Lynn Johnston and her staff run a studio that remains fun while being productive.  She and her associates share information on the processes that are undergone in developing the comic and getting it to publication.  There are features on how to become a comic strip writer and illustrator.  What sort of research does Lynn do before starting a new storyline?  She even discusses some of her first jobs and displays some of her early drawings.  It is great to see someone who has been successful and wants to share that success with others. 

Ms. Johnston has experienced health problems in the last several years but has not let that stop her from continuing her work.  Here you can read how she has chosen to continue writing while making more time to care for herself.  Someday I hope to be as prolific a writer as she. 

Memory loss…a common side effect of both depression and the drugs that treat it.  I have documentation somewhere that states I have significant memory loss and lack of concentration, but unlike so many other things, I don’t need to write these facts down in order to remember them.

Tonight I was supposed to submit an online Avon order by 11pm.  I’ve only been selling Avon for a few months and have been contemplating giving it up for reasons similar to what I am about to describe. 

I keep notes - notes that remind me to do things.  Sometimes I lose them, so I write new ones.  At one time I was given a Pocket PC to help me schedule my time and keep track of things I shouldn’t forget.  It was a waste of money - 90% of the time I forgot it at home, and if I remembered to take it with me, I forgot to use it.  I began to loathe the thing.  Whenever I’d happen to come across it, it would just remind me of how terrible I had become at remembering things.  As well as a personality change, I have gone through [what feels to me like] a major shift in my cognitive ability in the last eight years.  I’ve gone from being a “gifted student” to someone who struggles to read for more than a few minutes at a time some days.  Some days are better than others, but overall, I am just not the same.

Avon was something that I thought would work for me - I could work from home and set my own schedule.  There isn’t a whole lot to remember really - (more…)

I saw a meme on Tokah’s blog, started by Rickismom, requesting that if you normally blog about disability, to post 6 things about yourself that are unrelated to that issue.  Here goes:

1.  I love animals.  I have two rabbits, who are my nearly constant companions and spoiled relentlessly.  Well, they eat a lot of treats…  They are litter trained - a lot of people ask me about this.  It was quite easy to get them to use a litter box.

2.  As a child I thought I would grow up to be a famous guitarist, Richie Blackmore style.  Fo sho. 

3.  I do artwork.  Not so much recently, but once I have a place to do it I want to set up a drafting board and start illustrating.

4.  My socks have right and wrong feet…and I used to wear them inside out a long time ago, to avoid the seams.

5.  My favourite colours are earth tones. 

6.  I like to walk.  I’d like to go on a hiking tour/adventure vacation.

  Favourite album, circa grade two - present.

During the Blog Carnival, I came across a post by Tokah describing how she is often not taken seriously with regard to her health issues.  This excerpt was particularly well written:

Over the years, I have been accused of exaggerating my symptoms, malingering, making excuses, etc.  As it turned out in the end, it was rather the obvious.  I understated my symptoms, worked harder than was healthy, and made excuses for why I just had to destroy myself … People don’t expect a chronically ill person to look happy or content.  Instead, we’re supposed to be dour and depressing to be around.

I worked nearly full-time for several years while living away from home, pursuing my education.  Since I’m only able to handle a few courses per term/year, I wasn’t eligible for full funding to cover the cost of living, and I didn’t want to go into debt anymore than I already had.  So while I took one or two courses, I worked anywhere from 30-40 hrs/wk.  I paid my rent, utilities, medical and grocery bills.  I was glad that I could make it to work as long as I did, otherwise I wouldn’t have had the means to be in school at all.

Try explaining to someone that you have a chronic illness or invisible disability when you appear to “have it together” though.  You get extensions on your projects? “But there’s nothing wrong with you,” was a phrase I heard repeatedly.  Eventually I made a joke out of my difficulty with school, and played my lack of progress off as laziness or disinterest.  Meanwhile, I was constantly berating myself for being, in my mind at the time, a failure.  I was trying to finish my courses, but due to my anxiety and mood disorder I always fell short. (more…)

Tonight I am briefly going to touch on the services available to disabled students at post-secondary institutions. 

When I began university, I came prepared with letters from both my psychiatrist and family doctor.  One was an official diagnosis of my condition, and both requested accomodations I may need in order to succeed at university.  I was not aware at this time that there was an Office for Persons with Disabilities (OPD) at my school, nor that I fell into the group that could access the resources there - no one had ever mentioned the word disability to me.  As I was not sure where to go with my letters, I took them to the registrar of my small university college.  The college does not have a policy for sharing information with the large main campus, so I was never directed to the OPD.  Eventually I wound up there, a few years later, and my life has been better ever since.

As a student with a mental health issue, the resources that have been most helpful to me through the OPD are my access to a psychologist, exam accomodations and the assistance of the learning strategist.  Other accomodations are available to students with other types of disabilities.  If I were not registered as a student with a disability, I would have to go through a separate office (Counselling Services) to access the help of a psychologist.  This could easily mean a wait of several months/most of the school year.  However, once I became registered at the OPD, I was able to visit a pyschologist at both Health Services and his OPD location.  I realize that there may still be a wait for individuals to see a psychologist or psychiatrist even if they are registered through the OPD at their school; it just so happened there was no waiting list when I arrived at the office.  I was also assigned a student advisor, to help me maneuver through the forms and formalities of being a student with specific needs on campus. (more…)